So, you met a guy and there’s a mutual attraction. He’s smiling, you’re smiling and you exchange casual conversation. Finally, he asks for your number and you gladly give it to him. You walk away thinking, “Wow, he’s cute! I hope he calls me.” And then, to your delight, he actually does! He says he’d like to see you again and invites you out for coffee, ice cream, a slice of pizza and a coke, a walk in the park or the beach or a glass of wine. It really doesn’t matter because you’re cool with any of those suggestions. You’re just glad that he isn’t asking you if he can come to YOUR house or for you to come to HIS! No, this is actually going to be a good ole fashion “date.”
Sidenote: And here is where the mature age of over 40 and 50 comes into play. The older we get, the “cheaper” it is to date us. Yes, I said it and it’s true. By now, we’ve been wined and dined by ex husbands/boyfriends and we realize that the company is the most important thing – not how much money he doles out on the first date. Personally, I’m more interested in what he has to say and less in how deep his pockets are. To my younger women reading this – there are exceptions to every rule. Maybe you’re the exception.
Ok, back to the story. So you go on this date and have a wonderful time. You both laugh, exchange a bit of information about yourselves (please don’t tell him about your horrible ex and why you hate him and PRAY he doesn’t share that about his! This is NOT the time to do so.) You playfully flirt with each other, you flash your dimples (or notice his) and radiate that genuinely warm and exuberant spirit you have. You’re happily discovering that he’s talkative, funny and relaxed. Wow, you think. This is nice. I’ve finally met someone who is easy to talk with and seems to be genuinely interested in me. After a couple of hours, the date naturally wraps up, he walks you to your car and you two part with a warm hug (or maybe even a kiss), and you tell him how much you enjoyed yourself (because you really did). He says the same thing and says he’d like to see you again and will call you. YES! But, of course, you play it cool and say, “Sure, that would be great.” You drive home recounting the entire date in your mind, smiling all the way to your door. In your mind, you’ve already gone through your closet and realized that maybe you should have bought that sexy pair of sandals last week because now you’ve got an occasion to wear them!
So, a few days go by and no phone call from him. Then he may text you and say something like “How’s your day going?” Ummm, it’s fine, thanks and yours? Not one mention of another date. And then another couple of days go by and then he finally calls. “Just thinking about you and wanted to say hello.” You chat a bit but he never asks to see you again. You hang up and scratch your head *Blank Stare* Then, a week or two passes by and nothing at all – no text, no call *CRICKETS* What the hell? You decide that you’re a modern and bold woman with loads of confidence and you call him. (Maybe he doesn’t realize that you’re interested, you tell yourself, so you give him a call and that’s fine) You may use his line, “Hey, just thinking about you,” hoping that he’ll take the cue and suggest you two meet again, but he doesn’t. Ok ladies, here’s what you need to do: R.E.L.A.X! And whatever you do – DO NOT CALL HIM OR TEXT HIM AGAIN! He’s not asking you out again for a reason. Let’s look at what some of them may be:
As disappointing as it may be, he’s just not that into you. Yes, sad but true and we’ve all heard those kick-in-the teeth words before. It’s really not rocket science here. When a man is truly interested in us, we never, ever have to wonder if they are or not because they will let us know. Maybe not always in words, but ALWAYS in actions. If he wants to see you again and spend time with you, HE WILL CALL YOU AND MAKE PLANS. It really is just that simple. If he doesn’t, MOVE ON.
- He may be into you, but ONLY as a casual friend or a “side chick.” I know, it sucks, right? But it’s true. Yes, he had a good time on the date, too. But maybe afterwards, you didn’t hold his interest, he didn’t feel a spark or he saw someone who he’s more interested in. It happens. Why is he still calling or texting me sometimes, you may ask yourself? Because honestly, he wants to keep you as an option, a backup. In case the other chick doesn’t work out or if she is busy. Keeping in touch with you keeps the line of communication open. If you told him that you have a pair of tickets to a movie and invited him and he says something like, “Well maybe, but I’ve got to see what my work schedule is like,” and you never hear back from him, he’s NOT interested. DO NOT CALL HIM ANYMORE AND MOVE ON.
- He may not be in “relationship mode.” Maybe he decided that he didn’t want to get involved with anyone right now – maybe he didn’t want to get involved with you – either way, there’s nothing you can do to change that. Oh well, his loss! MOVE ON.
- WORSE CASE SCENARIO: He’s actually married or in a committed relationship! Yes, this does happen. Maybe he was in between a break up or separation that he didn’t mention and now they’ve reconciled. OR maybe he isn’t separated at all, in which case he’s a liar and a cheat and who wants or needs that! Who knows what the real deal is! In any case, you already know what I’m going to say…MOVE ON!!
Sidenote #2: In all honesty, we women do the same thing sometimes. I know I have, although with age, I’ve become a lot less tolerant of playing the phone tag game or coming up with silly excuses. If I’m not interested, I will ignore his first couple of phone calls/texts. If he is persistent, I TELL HIM THAT I’M NOT INTERESTED. This way, he doesn’t have wonder why I’m not returning his phone calls. That’s just the Alpha female in me – confrontational and direct when necessary. This may not work for everyone, though.
HE’S NEVER TOO BUSY TO SEE YOU – DON’T BELIEVE IT!
Yes, even in 2014, the “game” hasn’t changed. The fact that it’s still considered a “game” at all is depressing, but it’s a reality. We don’t get a “pass” because we’re over 40 or 50. For all of our worldly ways, we women still find ourselves in a position of waiting for the man to do the asking. Let him! At least for the first several dates. Let him take the initiative to plan something and ask you out. If he’s really interested in being with you, HE WILL MAKE THE TIME NO MATTER HOW BUSY HE IS. Think about this: Don’t WE make the time to fit someone who we’re interested in into our busy schedules? Absolutely! If he’s not asking, he’s not interested.
- MEN ARE HUNTERS
By nature, they truly are and they love the chase. I’m not suggesting that you play “hard to get” – No, don’t “play it,” BE IT. Just because you like him doesn’t mean that you have to be available every time he calls. You can like him while you’re living your life doing other things with other people, be it dating someone else or working on making your hobby into a money-making business or pursuing your educational goals…or whatever. In other words, HAVE A LIFE…HAVE YOUR OWN LIFE. If you don’t have a life, GET ONE. If you’re always available at his beck and call – especially when that beck and call is only every few weeks – your value goes down in his eyes. Think about it: who wants someone who is waiting around every day/weekend just to hear from someone else? It makes you seem needy and lonely. No one wants to be involved with someone like that and there’s no thrill in chasing someone who is easily captured. Make him work for your valuable attention and time. If he wants it, he’ll make every effort to get it.
- SOONER IS BETTER THAN LATER
If this new guy (or an old one) is not on the same page as you are when it comes to dating, then it’s best to know now rather than later. Maybe he’s decided that he only wants to date you casually, along with other women. Well, ok…yeah, that’s cool, but it’s not what you want. That’s fine. Like I said before, you can’t change him! But at least you know. Now what you do with this knowledge is up to you. If you want to be his casual side kick, then go for it. But that’s going to get old really fast if what you truly want is more and you’re only setting yourself up for disappointment – BIG TIME! And you will have no one to blame but yourself…because YOU KNEW! (And NO, you won’t be the one to change his mind.) But if you want more, then go get more from someone else who is worth your time and is really interested in the same thing. Anything less is a waste of your time and energy. “When people show you who they are, believe them the FIRST time” – Maya Angelou (My Shero!)
Look, the thing here to remember is this: You may NEVER, EVER know what happened. You may never know WHY he didn’t call you anymore and why he’s gone “ghost” on you. Don’t waste time racking your brain wondering why. Chances are the reasons have very little to do with you, and if it does, then don’t expect him to be honest and tell you why. In my experience, men don’t like confrontation and they don’t want to hurt your feelings and risk and emotional “scene.” They will just disappear and figure that you’ll get the message. So get the message and MOVE ON! You’re a wonderful and joyful woman and you’re quite a catch for the RIGHT man – don’t let anyone make you believe differently. There are plenty of fish in the sea so go buy those sexy sandals that you saw and say “NEXT!”
Photo Credits: Stock Photos