I didn’t make any – not one – resolution for this New Year. I realized that I was just fine in 2016 the way I was and it’s good enough for 2017. I’d come to the decision long before January 1st rolled in that I wasn’t interested in “resolutions” as much as I was intent on the idea “evolution.” It is a journey of perpetual unwrapping, unraveling and profound discovery – a process that is oblivious to the days on the calendar, the time of year and even to the jarring of my soul. The evolutionary process did not ask for my permission or for my consent. It was insidious and hitched a ride on the back of grief and loss. It required nothing more than me getting up with each new day – putting one foot in front of the other and moving about my life. I’d felt the stirring of change within my being, but attributed it to confusion and despair. And it was. However, confusion and despair were the catalysts for the change that would come without warning – the awakening that would rumble and shake me up – the evolution of my spirit. I didn’t have a choice. It felt like the natural progression of things in my life.
This was not the kind of thing that would or could wait for something as trivial as a resolution for the New Year. No. This was to be a continual, wonderfully glorious, frightening journey that would require days, months and years. It would demand that I baby step my out of long-held religious beliefs, traditions, and ideas. This journey would insist that I lay down my fears of about a vengeful and self-serving God who would punish me if I didn’t believe as I was told to believe and do as I was instructed in the bible or in some church. Whoa! Talk about a scary thing to actually do! Look, it felt like blasphemy just thinking about it or even questioning God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit and their mere existence and his/their roles in my life.
Like so many of us, I was raised with these beliefs – passed down from those who had it passed down to them. To question or doubt anything – validity or otherwise – would be unheard of. I lived my life – for the most part – under this ideology and generational inheritance. But here’s something that I have learned in this expansion: I don’t even believe that I was a better human being before now. I wasn’t worse, but I definitely wasn’t better. And truthfully, I’m not even sure if I’m “better” now because along with this awakening comes questions – lots of questions about things that don’t make sense or line up…and many times no answers that “fit.” But I am more awake than I ever have been before and that, for me, is everything.
The shedding process is painful and difficult and your demons will meet you at the crossroads. But once I allowed the dissipation of fear, religion, and condemnation to fall away from my soul, the warmth of REAL self-love, curiosity, and freedom replaced it. I put in the work – I dug down inside my essence and scraped out blind fear and blind faith and made room for the courage to pursue my truth and understanding in my own way, without fear of being condemned to a hell below. Truth be told, we got hell right here on earth – just watch the ugliness on the news and right in our communities daily.
My evolution is ineffable and would not be limited to a mere New Year resolution. It remains, for me, a daily quest to seek peace and my truth unapologetically. It is a holistic process and I continue to do the hard stuff all year ‘round – re-birthing my spiritual self, reclaiming a healthier physical lifestyle and removing those smudged eyeglasses that I wore that only allowed for tunnel vision, narrow mindedness and fear. Once removed, my spirit has been flooded with brilliant colors and light that propel me on my path. I am forever thankful to the Most High for allowing me the privilege to live by my own definition and enjoy the beauty of discovery on my own terms and without confinement, timidity, angst, trepidation or limitations.
Wishing you all a new year filled with light, peace, joyful discoveries and your own truths.