A Glass of Wine and Random Thoughts

merlot2The other night I was in a very reflective mood. I began to think about a few things that randomly popped into my head as I sipped on a wonderful glass of Merlot. It seems like the more Merlot I sipped, the more reflective I became. Yes! I decided that material for my next blog piece was taking form. I was inspired, and a little bit buzzed, but that’s irrelevant. The point is, I had some random stuff that I wanted to share with whoever wants to read this. If that’s you, then keep reading and feel free to leave your own random thoughts in the comments section…with or without wine.

On Attitude: 

Someone recently very vaguely hinted to me that I needed to “improve my people skills.”  Oh, yeah, he hinted at it but never directly said it to me. I’m not surprised at this. However, I was surprised at how funny I found this innuendo to be. My internal laughter lasted for hours afterwards and I was filled with amusement the whole day.

I’m just no good at “hints, innuendoes, beating around the bush or sugar-coating” shit. This sometimes means that when other people “hint” at stuff, I don’t get it right away. I guess I expect people to be as direct as I am. Direct I get – no offense taken. Hints, I’m like, what the hell are you TRYING to say? Spit it out already! I’ll admit, this direct, no-nonsense quality has always been a part of my being and has only become more developed and uncensored as I get older. But, Oh my God, has it caused me some problems!  But here’s the thing: I used to care about the problems, now I don’t.

My children often remind me that I have a filter from brain to mouth about the depth of a quarter – I agree with them. However, the other quality that is actively working in the background is that of discernment and learning to carefully “pick my battles.”  I no longer feel the need to address or contend with every rude, ignorant, or stupid thing/statement/behavior that comes my way. I’ve discovered the beauty in prioritizing who and what gets my very valuable words, time and energy. For the majority of people, they just simply get my silence or a side eye look, or both. My emotional peace remains intact as I happily walk away.

Nope, there’s nothing wrong with my people skills. I just have no more tolerance for negativity, over inflated egos, drama, disloyalty, selfishness and confusion. And I’m not buying that crap about “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” No! I don’t want anyone in my inner vibrational orbit who doesn’t mean me any good. I’m not interested in what my “enemy” is doing or how they’re doing it and they can kick rocks and peek into someone else’s life, because if you’re not for me, you’re not with me.  Why would I intentionally give my enemy access to any part of my life? Just to watch them watch me? Nope, I don’t think so.  I’ll continue to let God and the universe take care of my enemies. I got things to do.

On Rejection:

“Rejection is God’s Protection.” Author Unknown.

It has only been in the last several years of my life that I can honestly attach myself to this quote. I think in some ways, I’ve know this to be true, but I never summed it up as well as these simple words do.

More than once in my life I have found myself wondering why many of the things that I wanted didn’t work out for me. These could be material things such as the purchase of a home or car that I wanted at the time or even a particular job. I’d be remiss if I didn’t include my disappointments in my love life and wanting and wishing that certain people/person was a part of it.  In all honesty, in the past, I have longed for things and people who, for unknown reasons at the time, remained out of my reach. I often remember how angry, deflated and even outraged I’d become.  Oh how unfair life was to me! Nothing ever worked out for me! Those were two of my most frequently used mantras.

For a long time I walked around feeling left out and slighted.  And then, one day, not sure protectionwhen, but one day it clicked for me. Sure, life is unfair and bad things happen to good people all the time – and even worse – good things happen to bad people, too. That’s just life. But what really clicked for me is when, in the past several years (probably when I turned 50), I began to see that things that I used to want so badly – or the people who I thought I wanted in my life – would have been big mistakes and would have caused me more heartache than I could have imagined.

I’m not saying that God has revealed every reason for every single thing that was ever withheld from me. No, that’s not true. However, He continues to allow me discover my own truths and through this process, my spiritual eyes are opening and I see differently with those eyes. My spiritual eyes see that everything that I thought was good for me simply wasn’t. I’ve discovered that nothing good was truly withheld from me and that I am currently living my best life – right now, right in this moment. I’ve had more than my fair share of disappointments, heartbreaks and failures – professionally and personally. I’ve had to slay some demons, face some ugly truths and put on my big girls panties often.  But guess what? I’m still here and I’m not just surviving, I’m thriving –

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant” – Maya Angelou.

On Grey Hair & Aging:

Most days I look in the mirror and say, “Girl, you’re looking mighty good at 57” (mind you, I didn’t say “for” 57 – there’s a difference) And most days that is exactly how I feel!  And then there are the other days – less often, but true – when I look in the mirror and say, “Wow, you look old today.” Or “You look old AND tired today.” And there are some days where, even before I look into a mirror – just getting out of bed – I feel “old” and achy. I can go to bed feeling great at night, and wake up feeling like I’ve been in a fight during the night and I lost.

age-2My grey hairs are coming in more frequently now. Although my family has a history of being “hard to grey,” it doesn’t mean we don’t. The majority of my ancestors and living relatives grey slowly and more “salt and pepper” rather than wake-up- one -day -and -completely grey.  I used to think this was a good thing – hey, I wouldn’t have to deal with a complete head of grey hair for a long time.

My natural hair is very long, unprocessed and thick. I haven’t put a relaxer in my hair in almost 10 years and it’s very healthy. However, I do weave or crochet some hair into my natural hair on a regular basis. Not because I have to, but because I chose to. I take good care of my natural hair, but Lord help me if I had to maintain, comb and style it daily. I do not have the patience or energy for that – never been a hair person. So, I do whatever makes life easier for me.

Now the funny thing is, I wish the grey would just come on in and stop playing! The grey comes in mostly around the edges and ONLY just a little and the majority of my hair is completely dark brown. So to me, my hair doesn’t have that beautiful salt and pepper look or completely grey look that I would be proud to rock naturally. No. Instead it has that “Well I guess it is time to have some grey in your head, ole girl. So, here are a few scraggly strands to remind you that you’re not a spring chicken anymore!”  Thank you very much!

Seriously though, I laugh at it and chalk up my scraggly greys, my aches before I even get out of the bed – and sometimes while I’m laying in the bed – to a life filled with raising beautiful children to adulthood, marrying/living with their fathers and all the bullshit that entailed, being in the workforce for over 30 years and just showing up daily and being engaged in life.  I have laugh lines that are becoming deeper and are present even when I’m not laughing. That’s okay – I’ve earned them. Just as I’ve earned the right to NOT always look like I’m still in my late 30’s or 40’s (and I’ve been told this many times).  Of course it’s very flattering to hear that. What 50+ woman wouldn’t love to hear that she looks a decade, or more, younger than she really is! But the beauty about inner acceptance is that on those days when my body – for whatever reasons – is tired and the aging is more apparent when I look in the mirror,  is that it IS really okay to be okay with it and to embrace it. The pressure to always look younger, more beautiful, sexier, skinnier is just too much sometimes.

Sure, I’ve got my share of anti-aging nightly moisturizer that I ritualistically apply ALMOST every night. But some nights, I just take my wig off or wrap my weave up in a bonnet, brush my teeth, take a shower, and go to bed. Some nights, I’m okay with looking “my age” – however that may look on me. I don’t have anything to prove to anyone and to me, that’s crazy sexy cool.age-1

For more of my insights on aging/middle age/sex, love and dating over 50, please check out my previous pieces:

Middle Age: Living and Loving It

Love, Sex & Dating After 50

50 Fabulous Facts About Being In My 50’s

(Just put these titles in the search bar)

 

Special thanks for the use of their content/imagery and a shout out to my new favorite page on FB:

The Fly Hip & Ageless

I’m so happy that I found them and I’m always renewed from the positive energy, sage advice, and beautiful human examples of aging beautifully.  I always feel like a badass after I visit their page!

Please check them out on Facebook at FB@Flyhipageless and follow them on Instagram: IG@Flyageless.

 

Other Photo Credits:  Pinterest, Photo Stock

 

A HEADS UP ON DATING YOUNGER MEN

ImageSo you’re thinking about dating a man who is younger than you…maybe even MUCH younger than you. KUDOS!! That’s fantastic! If you’ve read my earlier post, A Cougar’s Tale, then you already know that I’m talking from experience here. If you haven’t read it, be sure to check it out. Okay, back to you. So, you’ve met a young man who has caught your attention. He’s good looking, confident, funny and sexy as hell and he’s made it very clear that he’s interested in you. Now what? Go for it! Yes, it will be a little uncomfortable in the beginning – a little awkward even. But you will get the hang of it quickly. If he’s the RIGHT kinda young guy, he’s going to make you laugh, bring out the spontaneity in you, or add to yours, he’ll teach you things that your kids already know and he will add a delicious flavor of excitement to your life that you didn’t even know you were missing. That won’t happen with every younger man you meet, that’s why I said if he’s the RIGHT one. Oh, and did I mention that he will rock your world sexually? Not only will he have the stamina to keep up with you sexually, but he will welcome the challenge and the fact that you desire him and actually like sex period! Women in their 40’s and 50’s are sauntering into our sexuality unapologetically and many of us are embracing it with eagerness and ease. While we embrace our sexuality, our men will embrace us!

Now you’re stepping out of what you’ve always done and doing something different. It’s normal to be nervous or even afraid. But the fact is, if you want something different, you have to do something different. And if you do decide to entertain a younger man in your life for little while, or a long time, here are just a few things you may want to keep in mind as you do.

Do remember that it may be his first time being with an older woman. You could be a long-desired dream come true for him. He may be just as nervous or unsure of himself as you are, although for different reasons. You’ll probably be wondering what he thinks of your body, will your grey strands turn him off or will your once perky, now sagging breasts turn him off or if you should invest in that sexy teddy (the answer to that question is ALWAYS YES! BUY IT!). He, on the other hand, will be wondering if he’s going to satisfy you sexually. All men wonder that regardless of their age, at one time or another. But for a young man about to be with an older woman for the first time, he may be thinking about all the experience you already have and wondering if he’ll measure up. Nine times out of ten, he will not only measure up, but will surpass previous lovers (if you’re lucky!)

Don’t underestimate him just because he’s young. He may be able to show you a thing or two. It probably won’t be anything that you haven’t heard of before, but you might find yourself trying something new – something that you didn’t think you would. And you may find out you like it!

Do remember that you’re his lover – not his mother. It’s important to resist the urge to “mother” him, i.e. chastise, coach, lecture, advise. If he asks for your opinion or advise, then fine, give it. But you’re his lover and remember that. Although he is much younger than you, he is still a man, not a boy (HOPEFULLY) Treat him like the man that he is. And if he’s looking for a mother figure, then he’s not for you. Keep it moving!

Don’t lose your boundaries. And this goes for whoever you’re dating, younger or older. Don’t do ANYTHING that makes you uncomfortable, disrespected or  afraid. Establish your boundaries and stick to them. Remember, he will only go as far as you allow him. We teach people how to treat us by what we allow. He doesn’t get a pass on bad behavior just because he’s young.

Do keep your sense of humor and use it often! Being able to laugh at ourselves and stay light hearted is a virtue and will serve you well in most cases. In this particular situation, a sense of humor will definitely keep you from being self critical or allowing other people’s opinions to influence you. There WILL be people who will not approve or understand your choice for a lover. That’s their business, not yours. Keep it moving and go buy that sexy teddy!

Don’t think that the only thing that young men want is sex. Look, the reality is that ALL men want sex (so do we women, but we’re not talking about us right now). Yes, he wants sex and so do you. But as I stated earlier, if he’s the RIGHT guy for you, then there will be other connections as well. Believe it or not, if you connect mentally, the generational bridge may not be as big or as insurmountable as you may think. Naturally there are going to be differences other than the age – musical, what to go see at the movies, what to eat, etc. And know this: there will some things that will never be reconciled, such as some of the aforementioned items. But that’s okay. If you two can talk, relate, communicate, differ, teach and learn, then you’ve got a good chance. This is only in the event that you’re thinking about making this a long term situation. If you’re strictly in it for the sex, then who cares what he eats and he won’t care what kind of music you like.

Do remember that if being with him makes you forget how old you are and how young he is (most times), then that’s a great place to be in. You don’t want to spend all of your time constantly bringing up the age difference. And if anyone brings it up, it’s most likely going to be you, not him. He’s loving the fact that this older, sexy woman desires him, again and again. He’s happy because you haven’t gotten bored with him and stopped taking his calls. He’s thrilled that he satisfies you sexually and that you want more. If all of that is true, then don’t ruin it by being insecure about the age difference. When you’re together, you’re should feel the way a woman feels when she’s with a man who she enjoys being with, not a YOUNGER man…just a man.

Don’t forget to not only wear that sexy outfit that you’ve got, but wear your confidence like a fragrance – all over you! One of the things that he really digs about you is the fact that you’re uninhibited and secure in your skin. Dating younger is not for everyone and the fact that you’re doing it shows that you’re willing to venture out. That alone is sexy!

Do remember to remind him that your life and home are NO DRAMA ZONES! Dating younger men can come with it’s own set of issues – baby mama drama, other women,  multiple children,  joblessness, lack of education, lack of housing, money and  drug use. Now in all honesty, our older brothas have these same issues, too, so these are not age specific issues and you wouldn’t want them from anyone. I don’t know about you, but my life is peaceful and there’s no drama here! I have things to deal with like all of us, but my age and wisdom have been good teachers and I handle them differently now. Do keep your space peaceful, loving, welcoming of only good things and reject the BS from anyone, regardless of how good the sex is!

Don’t forget to have fun! That’s what it’s all about, right? Enjoy your time together and make memories. Keep things light and stay true to who you are. Don’t try to be a young “fly girl”  – that’s not why he’s with you. He liked you for who you are – a sexy, mature woman who is easy-to-be-with-but-she-won’t-take-your-shit-and-will-remove-you-from-her-life-quickly! Yep, that’s who he wants, at least for now, or at least until baby mama calls him (if there is one, but that’s his issue – don’t make it yours).

Do pay for things that you want. If he is broke, in between jobs or otherwise unemployed, if you want to go out to dinner and a movie, it’s okay to pay for it! Most older women who date younger don’t mind paying for stuff. We usually have more money or steady jobs, or both. You’re not his suga mama unless that’s what you want to be, in which case, then do you. But just because you pay for some things doesn’t mean you’re rich, it just means that you’ve got more money and don’t mind paying for a good time for both of you.

Don’t forget the two C’s that may NOT be ingrained yet in your young man – Communication and Commitment. They are still young and are still experimenting, dating, finding themselves and building up a vocabulary that will eventually  enable them to actually communicate effectively (this does not include texting). So, you might want to wait before you fall in love, because chances are you’ll be there by yourself – Don’t confuse good sex with love – Be realistic! Also, you will need to be clear and concise about plans, dates, times,  etc, – say what you mean and mean what you say.  Younger people are easily distracted and he may not “hear” what you’ve said – Be clear! (There are always exceptions to these rules and all young men are not created equally).

I could go on and on with the do’s and don’ts, but you’ll figure the rest out on your own. The most important thing is to not forget who you are and don’t forget who he is. You’re BOTH adults and free to do as you please. Mutual respect and communication should always be in the mix whether it’s just a fling or a long-term commitment. And please, don’t forget to buy that sexy teddy and rock his world! He’s going to love it!

Photo Credit: Jason Christopher