On a recent trip to the grocery store, I looked for a particular cut of Salmon that I like. Usually, it’s right there and readily available.  On this day, I didn’t see it in the Seafood display case. I saw the employee working  behind the counter. He appeared busy as he washed down the workspace with bleach. For just an instant – a fleeting instant – I thought, “Oh he’s busy, I don’t want to bother him.” And on another day, in the distant past, I would have assumed that the store didn’t have what I wanted and mumbled my disappointment to myself as I continued to push my shopping cart onto the next aisle. But not on this day. On this day I spoke politely, with a smile and loudly over the whooshing noise of the power sprayer that he used so that I could be heard.

“Hello! I’m looking for the Salmon portions and I don’t see any in the display case. Do you have any available?” The young man quickly turned off the water and politely said, “Yes Ma’am, I have some in the back in the refrigerator. I was going to put them out in just a few minutes. I’ll be right back.” He disappeared behind a heavy plastic curtain and returned with a box that he opened. He then washed his hands and put on plastic gloves and asked how many portions I wanted.  

My next stop during that trip was to the Pharmacy. My prescription was ready and I needed to pick it up. The last few times I’d gotten a refill, I noticed that they’d started putting those child-proof caps on the lids – the ones that you have to press down hard and turn. This is wonderful if you have a household with children to protect. I do not and I realized the month before that I didn’t want those lids. I preferred the easy-open ones. As I greeted the woman behind the counter and gave her my name and date of birth, I decided it was time to ask for what I wanted. “Would you be able to put a note on my account to give me the easy-open lids from now on? I prefer those over the child-proof ones.”

“Oh sure, that’s not a problem,” she said as she began to press keys entering the information onto the screen. “As a matter of fact, let me change out those lids for you now and you’ll get those from now on,” she smiled. I returned her smile and simply said, “Thank you so much.”

 That day, I left the store with my Salmon, my easy-open lids and a quiet sense of satisfaction that comes from having your needs met. Granted, these may appear to be small things that I asked for, but regardless of how small, they were important to me; the fish is what I wanted and the lids are what I needed – so I asked!

When my children were very young, I never hesitated to speak up loud and clear about what I needed for them and hell would have no fury like mine if I was denied anything for them. I never took “No” for an answer when it came to my kids. But, honestly, I wasn’t always that way about myself. Many times when it came to me, I often decided that I didn’t want to “complicate” things or “bother” anyone. Or I would lie about being Okay even when I really wasn’t … even when I needed help and was screaming for it inside.

I see now – so many years later – that this reluctance to ask for the things that I needed in my life, including help, came from a place deeply rooted inside of me. It was a sad and lonely space that was filled with unworthiness and no compassion or real love for myself. How could I possibly ask others for what was important to me when I didn’t even believe that I deserved it? I wasn’t always able to determine what I needed or wanted. On the rare occasions that I did, I worried about being denied or hearing, “No.” I would somehow internalize that “No” as a direct reflection of my worthiness.

I remember one day, many, many years ago I attended a women’s venue. There were many vendors and speakers there to choose from. I’m not sure why I chose this particular speaker and her presentation that I did. I think it was because in the large picture that introduced her outside of the room, she was laughing while she looked away from the camera as she sat in a chair with her legs crossed…with a lit cigarette between her fingers! She was a mature woman, I’m sure in her 60’s like I am now. I wanted to know who this bold and carefree woman was,  who laughed  while she held her cigarette like a middle finger to disapproving eyes. Who smoked in public anymore? Smokers were and still are practically ostracized (I was a smoker back then, so I know what I’m talking about).  But here she was in living color on heavy poster board. She was defiant and audacious and I wanted to be in her presence!  

I honestly don’t remember every word she said during this presentation. She was a small woman in stature, but her stage presence was enormous. She was confident, direct and funny. She spoke about empowering women and building self esteem. I remember sitting there so still, not even wanting to move for fear of missing a drop of her wisdom. Her words that remain with me to this very day – more than 30 years later are these: Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want or what you need. And don’t be afraid to hear NO! If you hear NO, then ask again and again until you hear YES!

I have often heard her words in my head throughout the years. Often when I’ve second guessed myself on something or when I’ve hesitated to take up space in this world and allow my voice to be heard or express my desires.  I will always be grateful to this amazing  woman who planted a seed inside of me that would lay dormant for a long time. But now, experience, disappointment and frustration have served as the fertilizers for awakening and nurturing this gift.

This transformation was a process…it still is. However, now I intentionally and boldly ask for the things that I need and want. I ask politely most times, depending on the situation, but always with confidence and assertiveness. I do not ask with timidity, as though I’m unsure or afraid…even if I am. I ask anyway and I no longer take NO for an answer if it’s something important to me. I decided long ago that I have a right to be in this world and take up physical and emotional space while I’m here. I don’t have to shrink or suppress my presence – I’m entitled AND worthy of happiness, healthy loving relationships, respect and peace in my life and so are you. When we do not ask for the what we need or want, the answers will always be NO. When we don’t ask for what we need or want, eventually that deprivation will internalize and will manifest as habitual anger, disappointment, rage and disempowerment. Don’t forget what our elders used to say: “A closed mouth don’t get fed!” Or another adage, “The squeaky wheel gets the oil.”

Be the squeaky wheel, be the open mouth, ask for the love you deserve, ask for the emotional or physical help and support that you need, ask for the raise that you have worked so hard for, ask for an opportunity, a second chance, ask for a first chance. The Creator and its Universe is big and  generous and will hear and respond to your requests, so move accordingly and  take up space and ask! And if the answer is no, it’s okay to feel discouraged, just don’t stay there. If it’s important to you, keep asking until you get a YES!  It’s not selfish, it’s self-care.

Personally, I’m asking for everything! If it’s something that I even THINK I want, I’m asking for it! I may not get it, because I understand and trust that everything is not meant for me, so I’m also asking for discernment. And I’m going to ask with expectancy and confidence. The ironic thing is: At this time in my life, there really isn’t a whole lot that I want and not much that I need that I don’t already have. But for the few things that are missing, I’m asking!

Ask for what you want and be prepared to get it! ~Maya Angelou